DR. WALLACE: My girlfriend and I face a tough dilemma! We are both in our mid-20s and have been dating each other steadily for 3 years. I have a stable job that I enjoy and that provides me with a decent amount of income. My girlfriend is studying to become a dentist and has two more years of graduate school left before completing her dental program.
We both love each other very much and are extremely committed to each other. After our first year of dating we started talking about getting married after she completes graduate school, and that is still our plan. We don’t live together and have decided that we will wait to do that until after we are married, but my girlfriend stays over at my house every weekend so that we can spend some quality time together amidst our busy schedules.
We both think that we have been handling our relationship very responsibly, but the problem is that we recently started attending church again and have been told that spending the night together is wrong. We’re both Christians and our faith is important to us, but both of us feel that the intimacy we have in our relationship is important and that it would be silly for us to cut that off for another two years while my girlfriend finishes graduate school.
Sure, we could get married right now I suppose, but financially that wouldn’t make much sense for us, and my girlfriend is so busy with her coursework that it would be incredibly stressful for her to have to start thinking about planning a wedding before she graduates.
I’m frustrated because we have a great church community, but we feel as though we have to keep our relationship a secret among some of our closest friends because we are worried that they would judge us if they knew that my girlfriend stays at my house on weekends.
My girlfriend and I are both grown adults who are committed to each other and have every intention to get married when the timing is right. It’s awful that we’re being made to feel as though we are not true Christians because we are intimate with each other and don’t want to wait years and years to express our love to each other in that way.
How can we handle the message from our community that we’re “actively living in sin” without having to leave our church, since this church means so much to us? — Uncomfortable All Around, via email
UNCOMFORTABLE ALL AROUND: You mention having a plan to get married “when the time is right,” but doesn’t that fly in the face of having faith? Since your faith is so important to each of you, it’s surprising that you’d cut corners and go through a complicated, clandestine existence to not be “caught” spending nights together.
Getting married before you spend another single night together would solve your current situation. You could get married without the big ceremony and plan to have a wedding ceremony later with all of your family and friends in attendance at your convenience. This would be a small compromise in my opinion to achieve a prompt, congruent resolution to your situation.
On the other hand, you could mutually decide to wait it out and simply cut out the overnight visits. You should select one or the other, both for your own peace of mind and to end your practice of sneaking around. No human being is perfect, and we all make mistakes, but to “plan” to continue to intentionally deviate from your faith and hide this from your friends for two more years does not sound like a good idea in my book. At some point you’ll likely be “found out” and have to deal with the resulting fallout anyhow.
Why not sit down with her and think the situation through carefully together and make a proactive, mutual decision now either way? If you do, I trust you’ll both feel much better when the burden of sneaking around is removed one way or the other.
Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. Email him at [email protected] To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
