DR. WALLACE: I’m 14 and live with my mother and stepfather. My new stepfather has adopted me and because of this I use his last name. My biological father said he didn’t want anything to do with me. I have not seen him since I was 5. My stepfather is very strict and lectures me about all the bad things that can happen to me if I smoke or drink or do drugs.
I usually ask my mother if I can go somewhere or do something and she’ll say yes, but then my stepfather will say no if he overhears us. Because my stepfather is the man of the house and makes all the decisions, what he says goes. So, this means he can overrule my mother’s answer.
I’ve always wondered who my real dad is. Maybe I’d like to live with him these days if I can find him. Of course I love my mom, but I’m getting to really dislike all the rules my stepfather holds over me.
I think I’m old enough now at 14 to know who my real dad is. What do you think I should do? I’d like to find my real dad and move in with him. — Unhappy about my stepfather, via email
UNHAPPY ABOUT MY STEPFATHER: It’s natural for you to be curious about your biological father, but I caution you not to fantasize that he is the answer to all your problems. He abandoned you and apparently never looked back, after all. You should also consider that he may not be in a position emotionally or financially to have you live with him. I encourage you to look him up, but wait until you’re 18, and preferably no longer living at home. If you are still curious at that point, you’ll also be in a better place mentally to prepare for a potential meeting in person.
Being a stepparent is not an easy job. Your stepfather accepted you as his daughter, and he believes he’s doing what he thinks is best for you. No parent is perfect, but when your stepfather makes a decision you dislike, you dismiss him as “only” a stepparent. Frankly, his lectures about smoking and drinking seem reasonable to me. Maybe when you’re 18 you’ll see the picture a little more clearly and appreciate him for taking on the job of raising you with your mother in your home together, which your biological father, for whatever reason, has avoided.
As to his rules, see if you can sit down with your mother and ask her to help you set up a set of rules that you, your mother and your stepfather can all agree to in terms of curfews, socializing and spending time with friends away from your house. As you age, these rules should gradually loosen a bit. I always believe a family benefits by sitting down together to set up overarching “core” rules so that each individual instance does not need to be debated and result in temporary elation or frustration.
A fair set of rules could be a great asset for your family to possess, and this would likely help your situation quite a bit. See if you can initiate that discussion, and start with your mother alone before the two of you sit down with your stepfather.
Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. Email him at [email protected] To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
