Think about it.
You’re born into an immensely rich family and given a high-paid job in the family business. You make millions every year, simply for showing up at work. And when you do show up, you get to wear fabulous outfits, festooned with jewels, or a fancy uniform, strewn with ribbons and medals. You also get to live in a castle, for which you pay no rent, and when people meet you, they bow and address you as “your royal highness.”
I don’t know what you would do in this situation, but I know what I wouldn’t do: I wouldn’t my quit my job.
Yet that is exactly what Prince Harry, Duke of Sussex, did in 2021.
Harry’s exit from the family business of running England definitely has an aspirational element to it. If a prince can give up a royal salary and all the perks that go with it, why are you still clinging to your puny paycheck and amorphous list of benefits, the best of which just may be the 5% discount card you get for oil changes at Mighty Muffler?
While I couldn’t quite understand the prince’s dissatisfaction with his gig at Buckingham Palace, the resignation does represent an opportunity.
If Prince Harry has quit the family business, that means there’s a space for me and thee. Not with the British royal family, perhaps, but you certainly can get the royal treatment at your current job. Just like you deserve.
Here’s how to start:
No. 1: Give yourself a title
Redefine your position on the org chart. Imagine how co-workers will treat Charlie when, instead of being one more number cruncher in the finance department, he announces that he is now to be known as “Charles I, Master of the Spreadsheet.” And Marcy, instead of toiling anonymously in Marketing, should let everyone know that she will, going forward, respond only to emails addressed to “Marcella, Countess of Customer Service.”
If these people aren’t worthy of a bow and a curtsy, who is?
No. 2: Get a plume
While going online to buy a 19th century British Royal Officer’s uniform ($6,500 on 1stDibs) may break the budget, it will definitely give you the upper hand when you march into your next meeting with your manager. “Reporting for duty,” you say with a smart salute. “It’s beastly out there, but we’ll get the riffraff under control, or know the reason why.” Then, turn on your heel and march out. You won’t be called into another meeting for a long, long time after that, you can be sure.
No. 3: No more lattes
You won’t find the royal family sitting around a percolator. As awful as it is, tea is the upper-class beverage of choice. Forget Lipton. Refuse any cuppa that isn’t Da Hong Pao or Black Forest cake pu-erh tea or some other unpronounceable, unobtainable tea. And make a huge fuss about how it is prepared. Water from the high Himalayas. Sugar from the Outer Antilles (none of that Lesser Antilles sugar.) It won’t be easy becoming as fussy and annoying as the coffee drinkers in your office, but you can try.
No. 4: Put up photos of your ancestors
Royal families have long, rich histories. It doesn’t matter that the ancestors are invariably knaves, scoundrels and wastrels; forebears must be honored. If you don’t have photos of random relatives, a quick Google image search will provide. Use key words like “criminal,” “rogue” and “demented loser.” If there’s a family resemblance, try to ignore it.
No. 5: Award yourself a medal
Pin a ribbon on your chest to celebrate your victory in the Battle of the Copying Machine. And how about a striking a medal for your glorious combat in the War of Doughnuts at the weekly staff meeting, where, covered in glory and powdered sugar, you win The Order of the Jelly Doughnut.
No. 6: Treat yourself to a scandal
If there’s one thing royals like better than money and power, it’s scandal. Don’t go overboard, but a mild whiff of embezzlement will do wonders for your career. Launching a coup is another royal thing to do, but be careful. You last thing you want is to overthrow your boss and then end up with their job. You might actually have to do some work.
Elevating yourself to the ruling class at work will take effort, but I’m confident you can do it.
How hard could it be to go from being a royal pain to being simply a royal?
Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at [email protected] To find out more about Bob Goldman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
