Dear Annie: I am a 19-year-old woman who can’t stop thinking about this guy, “Charles.” He has been picked on for his appearance, but I think he has pretty eyes and nice hands, plus a knack for singing. But then I found out recently that he is bigoted and has texted other girls, even when he has a girlfriend. Still, he’s always on my mind, despite all the red flags waving. I obviously don’t want a relationship with Charles and wouldn’t feel anything if he got a girlfriend. In fact, I’d be much happier if I never saw or heard from him again.
Despite not liking Charles, I can’t stop looking at him, checking his social media and thinking about him. I don’t think this is a crush because I don’t want to be with him. I don’t want him in my mind; these thoughts are intrusive and unwanted, and they pop up at the most random times, even when I’m out having a good time. Thinking about Charles makes me feel depressed, guilty and nauseous, but I can’t stop doing it.
Even worse, I already have a relationship with someone, “Kevin,” who is 21. We’ve been together for about a year, and he’s absolutely perfect. The thought of leaving or parting ways with Kevin makes me feel sad and scared. I’m so scared of these thoughts, and Kevin himself has even noticed I’ve been feeling more down lately. I’m scared to tell him about these thoughts, and I’m scared of these thoughts to the point where I’ve been crying.
How do I nip these thoughts about Charles in the bud? — Unwanted Thoughts
Dear Unwanted Thoughts: You are not alone. Many people find themselves struggling with similar thoughts. These intrusive thoughts could be indicative of obsessive compulsive disorder. OCD can be manifested by obsessively thinking about someone you don’t want to think about. You should find a good cognitive behavior therapist, and keep loving Kevin.
Dear Annie: You responded to a letter from a reader who said, “I used to date a lady from Australia who was taught to hold her fork in the European/continental style … “
And you went on to praise the person for learning about other cultures, which is fine. But neither you nor the letter explain exactly “what” the European/continental style is! I assume others have the same question, so could you find out and let us know in a follow-up?
I looked it up on YouTube, and all I could find was that Europeans face the tines of the fork downward and continue them in that downward direction, even when placing food in the mouth. Whereas Americans hold the fork tines upward, which Europeans think makes it look like you’re literally shoveling food into your mouth! Is that what the reader meant? — Please Explain
Dear Explain: Yes, that is exactly what the reader meant.
Different cultures have different standards of what is the correct way to eat. In a perfect world, we would all respect each other’s differences and not judge each other.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to [email protected]
