Dear Annie: My husband and I will be married two years in December. Prior to getting married, we had a “good” sex life. We discussed having a child of our own (I have three from a previous marriage), and he doesn’t have any.
He’s now in his 40s, and I’m almost 40. Very shortly after we got married, the sex fizzled out almost completely. Yes, we have had hormones tested, and his testosterone is very low. The doctors have all but said it will be almost impossible to have a baby. However, despite that, we cannot seem to get on the same page regarding sex.
He doesn’t care, and that has made me feel very resentful, hurt, unwanted, ashamed, anxiety-ridden and jealous. I have brought it up, explaining my side very calmly and clearly. I’ve asked for physical intimacy repeatedly, however, I do not feel he wants me. If my kids didn’t love him, I would have left already. What should I do? — No Confidence
Dear No Confidence: Your husband’s hormones could be connected to his lack of libido, but your letter signifies to me that there may be more trouble going on behind the scenes than you’ve shared. Sex and your children’s love for him aside, does your husband bring no positive qualities to your relationship and/or to the household that make him an otherwise valuable partner? Seek the help of a licensed therapist or couples counselor to work through your marital issues, both in and out of the bedroom.
Dear Annie: You missed the point in today’s column with your advice to “Living for Today,” who had been diagnosed with cancer and whose sister wanted to come visit with her.
She said she had cancer. Anyone who is dealing with cancer, terminal or not, needs calmness, serenity and peace of mind to heal. Whether it is chemo or the disease itself, the patient’s emotional state is critical to the healing process.
This sister would probably want to stay with her, and when anyone is seriously ill, she does not need a houseguest. The sister may not be deliberately critical, but she could easily still open the scab.
When it becomes obvious which way the cancer is going would be the time for the sister to visit, but not in the house. She could rent a room elsewhere.
My mother went across the country to visit her brother when he was dying of cancer, stayed with them and added to all the stress they were already feeling. The best I can say for the visit was that at least he didn’t hang in long. I am sure she hastened his death by her presence, and she stressed my aunt out at a time when she needed to pay all her attention to her husband.
Straightening out issues in a family is important, but it should not be done during a time when the patient’s emotional state should be the main issue. — Sympathy Here
Dear Sympathy Here: Thank you for your valuable perspective. While I always advocate for making amends, especially with family, there are times when emotional peace and stability take priority.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to [email protected]
