DR. WALLACE: I am a junior in high school and have many friends, but I still feel lonely. I participate in school events and sports, and most people who know me would describe me as a social butterfly, yet so often I feel empty and alone. How can this be the case when it seems as though I have succeeded in my mission to make as many friends in high school as possible? — Surrounded and still lonely, via email
SURROUNDED AND STILL LONELY: It is important to recognize that loneliness is not always equitable to social isolation. In fact, a person’s idea and conception of “loneliness” is primarily subjective. This is why an individual with a very large social circle may feel completely alone, while another individual with a small social circle may feel perfectly content.
The cure to loneliness is not to increase the number of people with whom one interacts, but rather the quality of their interactions with those they connect most with. High-quality interactions are characterized by vulnerability and genuine connection. A friend is someone with whom you should be able to share your authentic self and reveal your imperfections, removing all and any facades from the relationship. In doing so, your friend will feel as though they have permission to do the same, and a deep mutual bond will often form.
I would like for you to consider whether the many friends you have are people with whom you can open up to without feeling the need to hide anything? If this is not the case, I would not be surprised to hear that you feel lonely, regardless of how many people you know.
My advice is to identify a couple of individuals in your large social network with whom you would be willing to admit your feelings of loneliness. By doing so, I believe you will begin to identify your true closest circle of friends, and though it may not be as large as your group of acquaintances, I have faith that special interactions and conversations with a select few of them will lead you to begin to feel less lonesome.
I FORGOT HER BIRTHDAY!
DR. WALLACE: I’ve been really good friends with this one particular girl for two years now. We have a lot of classes together this year. We get along great and share a lot of common interests, and at times she almost feels like a twin sister to me! We girls have had a lot of fun and good laughs together, even during the recent trying times the world has been through with the pandemic.
My problem is that I forgot her birthday was last week! Once I realized this, I apologized to her and even got her a belated birthday card.
But, sadly, now she’s avoiding me and giving me the “cold shoulder” whenever I try to hang out with her. I’m now really worried that perhaps our friendship is on the verge of being over. If this is true, what, if anything, can I do? — Forsaken for forgetting, via email
FORSAKEN FOR FORGETTING: Since you apologized, you absolutely did your part and I’d even say the belated birthday card was nice and sent in good faith.
Now it’s out of your hands and simply up to her to decide whether she wants to continue to see you as a friend. Be yourself in the meantime and watch what progresses from here to see if you feel this would be a friendship that’s worth having go forward. She may be going through a temporary bout of frustration or even anger with you. Then again, she could be the vindictive type of person that simply moves on due to her own internal issues, and not anything you did other than to accidentally hit one of her triggers.
Time will tell. If you do wish to try to break the ice with her once more, I’d suggest you try humor. You could mention that at times you felt she was your twin, and that if she actually was, you’d never, ever forget her birthday!
Tell her you still feel bad and would really like to make it up to her. Then wait and see if she responds. I’d try this one time and one time only. If she returns the communication with you, fine; see how it goes and if you can resume the friendship and hopefully make it stronger. But if she still does not engage you, move on and realize that yours was an honest mistake, but her attitude about it showed great immaturity and a lack of true friendship.
Would you have acted this same way had she forgotten your birthday?
Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. Email him at [email protected] To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
