DR. WALLACE: I’m more than halfway through college and have never been in a relationship before. When I was in high school, my family went through a rough patch, and I spent most of my time trying to help them while keeping up with my studies. As a result, dating and having a vibrant social life was not within my realm of priorities.
Now, I’m in college, and it seems like everywhere I look, girls and guys are hooking up with each other and going out. I don’t know of a single girl my age who hasn’t had a boyfriend yet. I feel humiliated and hopelessly behind in this area of my life. Should I just ignore this or try to finally take some steps toward developing a social life? — Socially challenged, via email
SOCIALLY CHALLENGED: I seem to hear so much shame behind what you are saying, and it makes me sad to note this. The idea that everyone’s life experiences should follow the same trajectory is an illusion that we are often sold yet it could not be further from the truth. The world is full of people with a wide variety of backgrounds, experiences and testimonies. It’s very important to realize that nobody’s story is the same.
My purpose for saying all of this is to assure you that just because your life experiences may look different and unique from that of others your age does not mean that you have anything over which to feel humiliated. Plenty of people get into relationships just for the sake of being in a relationship, and it often serves them no purpose in the end.
When the time is right for you, get into a relationship because you want to be in that relationship, not because you feel like you ought to be in a relationship according to society’s expectations and timeline.
It sounds to me that your reason for putting dating on hold was extremely admirable, and that you have been living according to your values and priorities. My only advice to you is to continue to do so! If getting into a good, healthy relationship is a value of yours at this point in your life, then by all means pursue it with intention. Control whatever is in your power to control, and let the rest happen naturally and in its due course. Do not, however, waste a second more of your time beating yourself up over your supposed relational shortcomings and abnormalities. Everything in life happens for a reason, meaning that you are where you are supposed to be. Walk boldly in that truth and allow your values and integrity to guide you along the way.
I’M CURIOUS ABOUT FOSTER CARE
DR. WALLACE: What is foster care and is it only for kids? One of my classmates at school is in foster care and I’m unaware of what that means. I don’t want to embarrass him by asking him what it means.
He’s a nice kid and we are friendly when we speak to each other, but it seems he doesn’t like talking about himself or his family too much. — A fellow student, via email
A FELLOW STUDENT: Foster care is for children who are newborn to 18 years old (and in some cases, depending on the state, 21 years old.)
A certified caregiver takes care of the child in a manner similar to how a parent or legal guardian would. In the United States, there are over 400,000 youth in foster care at any given point in time.
A small percentage of foster children are reunified with their families, and over 20% are interested in being adopted to live with a permanent family.
My advice is to treat your fellow student as you would any other friend, with the exception of pressing him on his family situation. Wait until he feels comfortable speaking to you about his situation, if he ever does. But in the meantime, be a good friend to him and involve him and invite him to participate in activities, just as you would with any other friend.
Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. Email him at [email protected] To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
