DR. WALLACE: I’ve created some family drama by accidentally spilling the beans and telling my mom something my older brother told me in confidence last week. I didn’t tell her on purpose. In fact, I only said something to my mom that was vaguely related to what he told me, but she is super smart and she figured out what was going on almost instantly. Living with my mom is like living with a supercomputer; she calculates everything really fast and accurately. We generally have a hard time hiding anything from her, but when she does expose our secrets, she usually gets them directly from the one trying to hide it. This is the first time I caused one of my brother’s secrets to get out.
Now my brother won’t speak to me because he got in trouble over the very vague comment I made. I absolutely did not rat him out intentionally and I know he knows this, but he’s still really mad at me.
It’s already been over two weeks and apparently there’s nothing I can do to get him to talk to me. I have apologized to him many times and told him it won’t happen again. I even put it in writing and slid it under his bedroom door, but he still won’t budge. How can I get my brother to forgive me and talk to me again? He has a hard head and now maybe he won’t say anything to me until 2022, if then. — Accidental spiller, via email
ACCIDENTAL SPILLER: From my viewpoint, you have correctly taken the first step, which is requesting forgiveness and promising not to do it again.
When your brother forgives you over this particular issue (I trust it will happen sooner than you think), he may not trust you ever again with such sensitive information. And given your mother’s super sleuthing abilities, that might be a good thing for both of you boys.
As for speeding up the silent treatment, I suggest you try two things in a specific order. First, see if you can get your brother something he really likes, such as a dessert, or some small accessory or collectible he enjoys. The key is to get him exactly what he likes the most, and you would know that better than I would.
And if the “gift” idea does not work, then think about what has made him laugh in the past. Think about what he finds funny. Is it a scene from a movie? Is it a funny way of walking? A particular type of joke? A funny imitation of one of his friends? Whatever might get him to unleash a hearty laugh is a great possibility to break the ice and the silent spell. Nothing defeats silence faster than laughter that can’t be muffled.
DON’T ADMIT YOU’RE WRONG WHEN YOU’RE RIGHT
DR. WALLACE: I recently had a huge argument with my boyfriend. I think one of the reasons it became so big is that he took what I said to him completely out of context and then he wouldn’t listen to my (quite correct) clarifications.
It’s true that we are both very stubborn and neither one of us will apologize now because we think we’re both right, but this time he’s definitely wrong and I don’t have any doubt about it.
Now we haven’t talked in a week. I love my boyfriend a lot and I miss being with him, but I’m tired of giving in to him every single time we have a dispute just because he really likes getting his way. Up to now, I’ve always been the one who says “I’m sorry,” but this time I just can’t apologize when I know that I’m 100% right and he’s 100% wrong. Our past arguments have always had at least a bit of a gray area, but this time it’s cut and dried, black and white, over and out. And he’s the one who’s out; out of bounds, if you catch my drift.
Am I being unreasonable to hold out this time? Why should I have to apologize to him when he never took the context into consideration? I’m 100% right this time and kind of want to stand my ground, but on the other hand, I don’t want to lose him over this matter either. — In the right this time, via email
IN THE RIGHT THIS TIME: Since you have been the one who has always said “I’m sorry” first, perhaps it is indeed time to wait for him to talk to you first. If he would prefer to be “right in his mind” rather than spend time with you, he may not be “the one” you think he might be.
As you stated, you are definitely in the right this time and he has thus far refused to look at your situation in its proper context. Don’t admit that you are wrong when you know that you aren’t just to appease your boyfriend. If you continue to do so, you may be setting yourself up for a lifetime of the same situations — either with this guy or the next one.
Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. Email him at [email protected] To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
