Spirit Halloween stores appear annually like a cool breath on the neck. They fill suburban shanties, such as vacant Toys R Us and Stein Marts. Their racks overflow with bagged costumes, so that we might fulfill our destiny as “High Seas Honey” or “Inflatable King Shark” or “Adult Flamin’ Hot Cheeto.”
However, the supply chain remains seriously disrupted. With weeks until the big day, Spirit Halloween and other seasonal retailers are reporting that some inventory has not been delivered. This is leaving customers in the Lurch (do you see the festive thing I did there?).
This can only mean one thing. Well, it can mean a lot of things, but let’s focus. It’s time to get creative. With a few household items, you can create a Halloween ensemble truly emblematic of this toilet-swirl era.
Cue John Carpenter:
No. 1: Uh, Supply Chain Disruption
You could be literal and string yourself with severed chains, an Amazon symbol on one shoulder and a toy house on the other. Or you could venture out on Halloween in regular clothes and explain that your costume did not get here on time due to a broken economic model that reveals holes in systems we’ve long taken for granted. Provide ominous talking points from Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg. Your friends will say something like, “Who hurt you, Jennifer?”
No. 2: Death of Compassion
You need to approximate a hooded cape and a scythe. A dark sheet will work, and let’s see … oh, a butter knife. Point the knife at everyone who isn’t exactly like you, and instead of asking them questions to better understand, tell them their time is up. Give them the bad candy that no one wants, which we all know includes Tootsie Rolls and candy corn. Be sure to stay anonymous, though, so that you will face zero repercussions.
No. 3: Numbness Monster
Forget Frankenstein; it’s time to get detached! Use the bubble wrap or packing foam from items you ordered in March that showed up yesterday. Have a friend wrap it around your body in layers. Leave a face hole just big enough to breathe — but not comfortably. It’s supposed to be scary. Now, ask people to poke you. Delight in the fact that you can’t feel anything at all.
No. 4: Mistress of Languishing
Sometimes, you just want to look pretty on Halloween. Break out the red lipstick and combine your sexiest outfit with the psychological concept of “languishing,” a dulling of the senses that comes with a pandemic that will never end. Make a little sign and string it around your neck. Write: “I am often somewhat joyless, but that’s to be expected.”
No. 4: One Big Giant Huge Enormous Mask
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention still suggests we mask up, even when vaccinated. Play it safe by covering your entire head in fabric. Where can you find some? Oh, right, in bed. There, go ahead and climb in. OK, now put it over your head, that’s right. Mmhm. I’m just going to shut off this light, and … no, shh. Your costume looks great. You are safe. Happy Halloween.
Stephanie Hayes is a columnist at the Tampa Bay Times in Florida. Follow her at @stephhayeswrites on Facebook, @stephhayes on Twitter or @stephrhayes on Instagram.
