Dear Annie: I’m a mother of three children who mean everything in the world to me. I gave them everything I could and loved them with all my heart.
The pandemic was the start of lots of hard things. My daughter, who is the youngest, moved in with her older brother because of financial difficulties. But he had also been laid off from a pharmacy position he had held for 15 years and was having difficulty finding a new position. He was going to charge her rent to help with his situation.
I had offered to have her come home to live with me and my new husband rent-free. She chose to live with him, I think partially to stay as independent as possible. She was 27. He was 39. They were very close, even though they are 12 years apart.
She wasn’t able to consistently pay him, and he became more frustrated because of his situation.
I was going through my own challenges, as my husband was laid off and was finishing a program for engineering in order to upgrade his skills and get a better job for himself.
My oldest boy in desperation called and asked for help. It took a lot for him to ask me. He never had before.
I had to say no because of my financial limits, and he cut me off and has never forgiven me. My daughter has done the same after they argued, and he told her she had to leave.
Before this, my children were part of my life, and we were close and always able to work things out. It’s been almost two years now, and I still struggle with what to do, cry when I think about them and miss them so badly. I worry about them, and as a mom, I don’t think I’ll ever feel anything as painful.
Financially, I know I made the right decision, as all of our savings are gone, and we work hard and go from paycheck to paycheck even though we are in our 60s.
I didn’t think I’d ever be without my children, and I don’t know what to do. — Heartbroken
Dear Heartbroken: As a parent, there is nothing harder than being without the love and company of your children. I am so sorry that you have been distant from them for the past two years.
However, boundaries are important, even with family. Given your financial situation, you had no choice but to deny your son’s request for money. Had either your son or your daughter been truly desperate, they would have taken you up on living with you and your husband rent-free (a generous offer, I might add).
The past two years have been taxing for us all, and it sounds like both of your children are hitting rough patches both personally and professionally. The best thing for you to do — in fact, the only thing you can do — is show them an outpouring of unconditional love. Call them. Write them letters. Show them how much you care. In time, they will make their way back to you.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to [email protected]
