Dear Annie: My husband and I adopted two children out of the foster care system. Our daughter, “Tabitha,” is almost 11 and lies to anyone any time it will benefit her. For example, she hates doing homework and will spend an hour lying to us about it rather than the 15 minutes it would take to complete the assignment. She also will lie to her teachers and grandparents to get something she wants or to get out of something she doesn’t wish to do.
We have explained to Tabitha that lying is wrong and it hurts the people she lies to. We also told her that if you lie to people all the time, they won’t believe you even when you are telling the truth. This, in fact, happens all the time now, and Tabitha gets very angry if we don’t believe her. She admits that she wouldn’t believe someone who lied all the time, yet she doesn’t connect it to her behavior.
It’s becoming a very frustrating problem. Tabitha lies so much, we doubt every word that comes out of her mouth. She went through therapy a few years ago, and the therapist basically said that she knows lying is wrong, but she has to be the one who wants to stop. So, Annie, how do you convince an 11-year-old to stop lying? — Lied To in Virginia
Dear Lied To: Tabitha is old enough to understand that her lying results in lack of trust. If she won’t stop, it may be beyond her conscious control. Either she still is getting some reward for it (attention, most likely), or she cannot distinguish between her lies and the truth. If you think it is the latter, she needs therapy NOW.
On the other hand, if she is craving attention, you need to work out ways to reward her only for positive behavior, so she wants to change. She needs to feel special when she is being honest, and not receive a flurry of negative notice from her parents because she has told yet another lie. Talk to a counselor who specializes in childhood behavior, and ask for parenting assistance in behavior modification.
Dear Annie: My husband and I have been having the same argument every time a certain couple invites us over. For years, we were good friends with “Jane” and “Joe,” but now, because of a series of incidents, he no longer likes them.
Jane and Joe have no idea that my husband’s feelings have changed. They still invite us to their parties, and this is when the problems start. I enjoy their company, but I rarely see them these days. When they call, I am hesitant to mention their invitation to my husband. His reply is always the same: “I don’t want to go.” When I say I would like attend without him, he says, “I wish you wouldn’t.”
Am I wrong for wanting to spend time with Jane and Joe? I love my husband and hope you can help work this out. — Frustrated and Confused
Dear Frustrated: We’re wondering what Jane and Joe did that made your husband dislike them enough to end a long friendship, but even so, you are entitled to have your own friends. However, we advise that you limit the invitations you accept from Jane and Joe, and don’t stay too long.
Dear Annie: I’d like to add my encouragement to “Stuck in Adulthood,” who says he is too serious. I’m 16 and serious, and yes, I am always told to “lighten up.” What’s wrong with being serious? Why can’t people say, “Look at that mature teen getting a head start on life”? All my uncles were serious as teens, and now they are engineers, businessmen, professional musicians and doctors. All my aunts love them. My dad was serious, too, and my parents have a wonderful relationship.
It also makes me feel better to know I’m not the only one. — Blessed with Premature Adulthood, Leona Valley, Calif.
Dear Leona: Thanks for writing. We can tell by your letter that you are indeed a mature teen getting a head start on life. Good for you.
“Annie’s Mailbox” is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar. This column was originally published in 2016. To find out more about Classic Annie’s Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit Creators Syndicate at www.creators.com.
