DR. WALLACE: My twin sister and I are in our early 20s. We were raised in an abusive household and had a very turbulent and traumatic childhood. Ever since I can remember, my upbringing has significantly impacted my ability to function effectively in the real world, but my sister appears to be unscathed. Unlike me, my sister has always maintained good grades in school, and she is currently finishing her undergraduate degree at a prestigious university. I, on the other hand, have been suffering for years with anxiety and depression as a result of what I experienced as a child, and to this day I struggle to maintain my current part-time job while attending community college classes.
How can two people have the same experience growing up and be affected by it so differently? I feel as though the only reasonable explanation for my lack of progress in life is that I must be the weaker sister. Thinking this makes me feel ashamed, and I worry that I will always struggle as a result of my past and continuously fall short of my sister’s triumphs. — Feeling weaker, via email
FEELING WEAKER: Every individual experiences and perceives things differently from others, and explanations for why this is the case are infinite. Without knowing everything about you and your life story, I cannot tell you why you responded to your history of childhood trauma differently from the way in which your sister responded, but I can tell you that having a different response is normal.
It is important to understand that the idea of being “weaker” than your sister has no relevance to this conversation. From what I understand, both of you endured and survived an extremely difficult upbringing, and that itself is remarkable. You and your sister’s current levels of “success” and “progress” in the eyes of society and the general public are rather trivial in comparison.
What matters most is the direction in which you are headed, so do not allow yourself to get defeated and discouraged by your current struggles. Take initiative to pursue wellness and healing in your life and reach out for help regarding your mental and emotional challenges. Additionally, if your relationship with your sister is healthy and strong, I advise that you confide in her about the difficulties you are experiencing if you have not done so already. Just because your sister appears to be excelling in her life by all observable measures does not mean that she is not hurting or struggling in her own way, and you may find that you are less alone in your suffering than you originally thought.
I WANT THE DOG TO STAY
DR. WALLACE: I’m a 17-year-old girl who just recently ended a very messy, emotional and difficult personal relationship. Without going into the details, let me just say that it was a nightmare and I’ve been traumatized in many ways.
Fortunately, my parents have been there for me every step along the way and they’ve helped me to recover from this situation and to regroup as much as possible. In fact, last week, after watching a commercial about pets on television, I asked my mother if I could go to the local animal shelter and get a small dog. My idea was the dog could keep me company and give me something to focus on at our house as I try to recover from this entire trauma.
My mother said yes, so she took me to the pound after school one day and we picked out a nice, small dog. We paid the requisite fees to the animal shelter and brought our new pet home. However, once my father got home, he became outraged and told my mother and I that we have to return the dog to the shelter since he won’t allow any pets in our family home. Now I’m doubly traumatized because I don’t want this poor little dog to be put down if nobody else picks him.
What, if anything, can I do about this? — Don’t want to return the dog, via email
DON’T WANT TO RETURN THE DOG: It is extremely unfortunate when parents are not in sync with each other when it comes to family decisions. This problem manifests itself in many families across a variety of topics and it is one of the age-old problems many families face. I’ve received hundreds of letters regarding problems that occurred due to parents not being on the same page.
In your situation, I’d recommend that you explain calmly and quietly to your father why you feel you need this new pet, and that you will take full responsibility for the feeding, care and walking of this dog as needed.
If he still will not allow you to keep the pet, ask him for a short period of time to allow you to find a suitable home for your dog so that this innocent animal will not have to be returned to the shelter. Explain to your father that this would only traumatize you even further, and that you would truly appreciate it if he would at least allow you that courtesy so you would know the dog found a good home, and perhaps one where you could visit him in person from time to time.
Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. Email him at [email protected] To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
