Face facts.
Your company’s annual holiday party this year won’t be much of a party. How could it be? Even if the event does include your actual co-workers gathered in a real space, like the traditional coffee room venue with the bacteria-breeding office refrigerator gaily strewn with colorful streamers, the need for masks and social distancing do not a party make. Nor is a party in the metaverse likely to be more fun unless you would enjoy seeing the avatar for Marge in Accounting chugging digital wassail and getting virtually tipsy in the AI version of Applebee’s.
As awful as a holiday party is likely to be, it does represent a classic venue to network your way to a better job.
Whether real or virtual, a company-sponsored holiday event or a private New Year’s party for Perky, your best friend’s parakeet, you are well advised to follow the suggestions of Quinisha Jackson-Wright, the author of “How to Turn Any Social Event into a Networking Opportunity (Without Being Creepy About It),” a timely article on TheMuse.com.
While no one doubts the power of networking, it’s avoiding coming off creepy that makes the article required reading. If you are lucky enough to run into someone who could help advance your career, you definitely “don’t want to be the jerk rattling off your 60-second elevator pitch to a perfect stranger.”
On the other hand, you do want to take advantage of any opportunity to make perfect strangers bend to your nefarious career goals, just as long as you can do it “without putting a damper on what’s supposed to be a fun social experience for others.”
Since simply meeting you is in itself a major damper, here are three rules to follow:
NO. 1: LISTEN MORE THAN YOU TALK
This isn’t easy. With your fascinating personal history and obvious brilliance, you have a lot to say. The fact that people start backing up when you talk about the lessons for career success that you learned in the sandbox, or suddenly come up with appointments they can’t miss once you begin to explain why exogenous, fiscal dominance means the current monetary system is doomed, does not require you to zip it.
Feel free to monopolize any and every conversation, but do listen intently for the contact information of the lucky recipients of your wisdom. This will be invaluable when you have to contact them to apologize for pretty much everything you said.
NO. 2: FOCUS ON BUILDING A RELATIONSHIP
Since it is unlikely that your new bestie will seek you out once the party’s over, be sure to pepper the convo with personal questions. This will provide the intel you need to “accidentally” meet cute at their favorite coffee shop or in the office of their urologist. After five or six accidental meetings, your new friend will be convinced that fate has thrown you together and will immediately offer to help you secure a job, probably at an exciting location rich with career opportunities, like Antarctica.
Or, if this sounds like too much work, simply ask to borrow money. It could be $50 for an Uber or $50k to invest in the initial public offering of a company like iDandruff, the promising startup marketing digital brushes that use Bluetooth technology to monitor hair loss. When you meet to pay back the loan, hand over your resume instead. Explain that when they help you get a better job, you’ll have no problem paying back the loan. In the meantime, you will need $50 for an Uber.
NO. 3: THINK OF WHAT YOU CAN OFFER
“It’s best to steer clear of any major asks during your first encounter,” advises Muse career coach Heather Yurovsky. “Rather than focus on what another person can do for you, think of how you can be a resource as well.”
Great idea! Intelligence to share might include the results of the research program you initiated at your present company to determine which strip club in town has the best bar snacks. Or, if you truly want to stand out, offer to share the name of your favorite Wiccan, explaining how they were able to not only protect you from the Dark Lord, who runs your company’s Human Resources Department, but also clear the evil spirits from your laptop without losing any of the information on the hard drive.
You don’t have to mention that for every new customer you bring in, you get a free exorcism. The Dark Lord will explain all that on the next full moon.
Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at [email protected] To find out more about Bob Goldman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
