Q: Our close circle of friends is made up of professionals in various areas. When we started on our individual paths after college, we decided that if we could use one another’s services, we would never charge each other. We thought charging friends regardless of our professions was crass and selfish, greedy and thoughtless, and would change our personal relationships with one another forever.
One of us went into her mom’s wedding business for hair and makeup, but also got an office job. Another one of us is a public-relations professional for a small but known restaurant, and the other is an accountant for a small company. We discussed how to move forward and decided we would share our services fairly whenever one of us needed them. We thought it would be difficult to determine the fees, so we decided we would never bill any amount.
We explained our arrangement to others, though we probably shouldn’t have. Outsiders who are not close friends argued it won’t work because it can never be fair. Arrangements like ours don’t have to be split equally. We do not want any reasonable amount of money to stand between us; that is the problem with people today. They value money over everything. They think that as we advance in our careers, we are not going to be able to continue our agreement. As I write this, I know I should not have told our arrangement to friends on the periphery.
Why do people who disagree with others always criticize them by saying they are immature? There’s nothing immature about our strong friendship. People are so willing to be contrary when it’s none of their business, and once I told them about it, I wished I could retract it.
A: Yes. It’s easy for people to criticize others when offering pure opinions. To provide facts on a subject means people must be knowledgeable, and that means researching the matter. They need more than a basic understanding of the subject before speaking about it. Offering pure opinion without adding solid information to support the statement shows others have nothing worthwhile to say.
But you are in charge when people offer unwanted opinions. It is good to present yourself as open-minded, but it’s also important to listen closely to the information people are delivering. Your personal friendships are special to you and your friends. None of you owe anyone explanations or justifications for your decisions on private business arrangements and relationships. Your group’s decision was made as a group and is personal. As such, it’s important to communicate clearly and firmly, and to show you do not agree with their opinions. Regardless of your decisions, you above all want to portray that you are emotionally mature when hearing others.
People who react angrily and closed-mindedly to others’ opinions are operating at a lower level of emotional intelligence. This is not likely the atmosphere worth the time and energy it would take for a discussion. Being polite and civilized in business shows a positive side to your behavior, but that does not include being passive and weak.
Email career and life coach: [email protected] Ms. Novak responds to all emails. For more information, visit www.lindseynovak.com and for past columns, see www.creators.com/features/At-Work-Lindsey-Novak.