Chances are your company has a chief executive officer, or CEO. You also probably have a chief financial officer, or CFO. And, maybe, a passel of other chiefs filling out the C-Suite, like a CIO, chief information officer, and a CMO, chief marketing officer, and, of course, a CTO, chief technology officer.
As they say, lots of chiefs and darn few Indians.
But before you get too puffed up with pride about your company’s expansive lineup of C’s, ask yourself — does your company have a CTUDT?
You know — a “chief thinker-upper of demented titles.”
Or maybe you don’t know.
I learned about the crazy new titles that company big shots are awarding themselves in “‘Head of Team Anywhere,’ and Other Job Titles for an Uncertain Time,” a recent article by Emma Goldman in “The New York Times.”
“Hyper-specific and unconventional roles are opening up to match a professional landscape no one has seen before,” Goldman explained.
But we have had a peek.
Are you old enough to remember when the “Human Resources Department” used to be the “Personnel Department,” and, before that, “The Place Where They Pretend to Care About You Until They Call You In and Fire Your Butt Department”? (In some companies, the head of this department is now known as the CPO, “chief people officer.” At least this title is functional. It helps differentiate the CPO from the CLO — “chief labradoodle officer.”)
The change driving many of these new “feelings-based roles” is the transition to remote work. Apparently, the opportunity to skip your bone-crushing commute and work at home in your pajamas, while satisfying to workers, is throwing management into a tizzy. One outcome of this disruption is the new crop of weird titles, like “Head of Team Anywhere,” “Head of Remote” and, my personal favorite, “Head of Dynamic Work.”
Where’s the “Head of Dynamic Goofing Off?”
Goofing off, I guess.
“Chief heart officer” is another strange new title appearing in our strange new world of work. “Rather than doing bureaucratic work at a desk and being a ‘no’ person,” says the CHO at VaynerMedia, Claude Silver, “you need many more people in the company who can say ‘yes and…'”
“And… what?” you ask. If the question involves a higher salary, better perks or a more prestigious parking space, the answer is likely, “Yes, and… you know I’m kidding.” All of which suggests that the chief heart officer would be better named “chief heart-attack officer.”
Other companies have shown their commitment to technology by appointing a “chief science advocate.” At 3M, the CSA works to reinforce their employees’ belief in the expertise of public health leaders, though I would suggest that a better goal would be to remind management that the sun doesn’t revolve around them and the earth isn’t flat.
While you have to admire large organizations for evolving their management structure, it is obvious that when it comes to inventing new titles, most companies have missed the boat. Here are my recommendations for inclusion in the ever-growing C-suite:
“Chief Spleen Officer”
While the idea of the “chief heart officer” is very sweet, and well-deserving of a major motion picture on the Hallmark Channel, a much more useful role could be played by the CSO — “chief spleen officer.” The role of this highly placed executive would be to listen sympathetically to the complaints generated by splenetic employees, take extensive notes and then do absolutely nothing to solve the problems.
“Chief Fantasy Officer”
This is the person tasked with spreading the belief that the precipitous drop in the company’s stock is nothing to worry about, since management is on top of the situation, and a significant uptick is right around the corner. They also step in to explain that when the entire C-Suite suddenly jets off to a country without an extradition treaty, they’ll be coming back “really soon.”
“Chief Job Security Officer”
In these tenuous times, this highly placed executive is responsible for making employees believe they have even a modicum of job security. The CJSO works closely with the CTLO (“chief tough luck officer”) to help employees make a smooth transition to unemployment.
“Chief Unexpected Termination Officer”
Of all the new breed of C-suiters, the CUTO, “chief unexpected termination officer,” has the most job security, right up until the moment they are ordered to fire themselves. This decision would come from the CRSDO, “chief really stupid decisions officer,” a title and a position that was always with us and will never, ever go away.
Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at [email protected] To find out more about Bob Goldman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
