Dear Annie: My boyfriend, “Denny,” and I have been together for two years, living together for the last year. He is a slob and oblivious to the mess he makes. When he fixes things in the house, he leaves his tools everywhere. He leaves spices and packaging all over the kitchen when he cooks. His clothes are scattered all over the house. He loses everything and never puts anything back where it belongs. I walk behind him all day, cleaning up his mess.
I feel like I’m taking care of a child. I attempt to be organized; there is a place (a hook, a bin, a cupboard) for everything, but nothing is ever in its place! The worst part is that he is clueless that he does this. I’ve made every attempt to prompt him, show him, demonstrate to him how to clean up after himself, but he just doesn’t get it. I’m ready to start throwing his stuff out the window. What else can I do to get him to clean up behind himself? — Cleaning the Chaos
Dear Cleaning the Chaos: You said it yourself; Denny’s “oblivious” and “clueless” to his own mess. Have you ever brought it up? Odds are that he’s not aware of the difference in your cleanliness standards, or he just doesn’t realize it bothers you.
Don’t beat around the bush. No more “prompting” or “demonstrating” what a clean home looks like. Denny isn’t a mind-reader.
If you tell him how you feel and he still doesn’t pick up after himself, you might suggest doing a joint purging of your belongings. After all, fewer possessions means fewer items to be strewn all over your home. Marie Kondo’s “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up” is a great place to start.
Dear Annie: My husband and I are in an incredibly loving marriage. He cheated on me a week before our wedding. He was under the influence and really not thinking straight. We have both grown stronger and closer because of this. A few months ago, he was the driver for a support vehicle following bike riders in a charity event. Each night, all of these men drank a lot, and my husband was around a lot of alcohol and cheated on me again.
He regrets this so much, and you can see his pain every day when he says he’s sorry. We both know drinking is not good for us, but alcohol is in the house every day. He’s supposed to be weaning off, but I don’t see it happening. The alcohol in the house leads me to drink, and I’m trying not to. How can I talk to my husband about how I don’t think this is good for us and am scared it’ll lead him to cheat again?
We’ve talked about it before, and we were really doing well, but then that trip happened, and it’s been downhill since. Please help! — Done With This
Dear Done With This: Alcohol addiction is a serious condition, and I am sorry for the pain it has caused for you and your husband. The fact that he may have used alcohol while driving a vehicle is especially dangerous. You should both contact your local chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous and seek couples counseling as soon as possible to regain control of your marriage.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to [email protected]
