DEAR SUSAN: It’s gotten so bad I can’t even open my mouth in the company of a man. Friends tease me about it, and my parents often join in, worried that I’ll never have enough nerve to carry on a love relationship and get married. What’s a shy girl to do? — From the “Single File” blog
DEAR BLOGGER: Dr. Philip Zimbardo, an acknowledged expert on shyness, says men and women suffer equally from shyness. The significant difference between them lies in society’s rewards for their nervousness. Shy men, branded as wimps, often lose out in the competition for a desirable woman. Their counterparts are tacitly given society’s seal of approval.
But your extreme shyness is something else again. You need to see the male as a friend, not an alien. You might start breaking down your barriers at work, perhaps speaking a few words to a male co-worker at the water cooler. Believe me; he’s as interested in a few nice words with the other gender as you are. But someone has to say them, and my vote goes to you, in spite of your shyness (or because of it).
You are fed up with things as they are and want to make a change. That means you’re ready to hear about Zimbardo’s finding (gleaned from his shyness clinics) that shyness comes from being overly I-centered. The remedy (no one’s saying it’s easy) is to take the focus of your interaction off yourself. Not easily done, but with time — and double scoops of practice — you’ll find yourself feeling more comfortable with men, in the office, at your church, wherever. Work hard at thinking of men as friends, human like you, with the same need for good company. And consider joining a group that truly interests you but also attracts men — a golf class, a cooking class, volunteer work. You might also ask your local library for Zimbardo’s books. He knows shyness.
DEAR SUSAN: I read your book “Single File” a while back and now want to reread your list of good and bad reasons for having sex. Knowing more than I did then, I’m sure I will make some changes. — From the “Single File” blog
DEAR BLOGGER: Before we start, a broad smile of gratitude from this columnist for your willingness to take another look at your reasons for having sex; the willingness to rethink choices in such an important part of life shows growth and flexibility. Bravo!
After reading each reason, write “yes” or “no” next to it. Undecided takes extra time. You decide whether each is good or bad for you.
—You feel conflicted and unsure about the relationship.
—You want another date with him/her.
—You’re tired of sleeping alone.
—Sex will ease your loneliness.
—Your partner threatens to end the relationship unless you have sex.
—It’s been so long.
—It’s the cool thing to do.
—To feel desirable.
—To gain security.
—To express your deepest feelings.
—Sex is your way of making up after a fight.
—For an ego boost.
—Your partner expects it.
—To put yourself in touch with another part of yourself.
—Sex is the culmination of caring between the two of you.
—Going without makes you cranky.
These are 100 percent guaranteed to bring regrets after sex:
—To gain a hold over your partner.
—You are physically drawn to the person but don’t really like him/her.
—To get back at your parents.
—To win affection.
—To appease.
—To barter.
—To hide anger.
—To avoid intimacy(!)
Much to ponder, no?
Have a question for Susan? You can reach her directly at [email protected] We’ve uncovered another treasure trove of “Single File” paperbacks — in perfect condition, signed by Susan, ready to enjoy. Send $15 and your address: Susan Deitz, C/O Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254.
