Dear Annie: About 18 months ago, my daughter, now 29, told my wife and me that she planned to get married in October of this year. The extended wait was so that her partner, “Chris,” whom she already lives with, could finish graduate school. They live about a seven-hour drive from us, so between that and COVID-19, we have seen them only twice since then: at a family funeral last summer and this past Christmas.
Fast-forward to three weeks after Christmas, and we received a postcard saying that they had gotten married in October! The postcard (with pre-printed info, name and address) was clearly one that was going to be sent to all who had earlier been given “save-the-date” announcements. The postcard also stated that the original date was still on, but as a celebration and renewal of vows.
My wife and I were not overly upset about their elopement. However, we were very hurt that we were not told of this right away, or even two months later at Christmas (during which there was much discussion of the wedding). And the fact that we did not merit a personal phone call or even a written letter or email made us feel as if we were an afterthought.
After we calmly expressed our thoughts and feelings to her, she said that they had decided to get married early so Chris could get on her health care program as soon as possible. She said that the postcard was sent first to us and Chris’ parents, and others would receive it later. (I suppose she thought that our being first on the mailing list would make us feel better.) She also said that they waited to tell us because they “wanted time on our own.” At no point did she express concern for our feelings or regrets over how they handled the situation.
We were certainly sympathetic to the health care issue, and we felt that that would be a sound reason to marry earlier than planned. But because they live so far from most of their family and friends, and their communications with us and others are infrequent, her claim of wanting time on their own doesn’t make sense to us, especially since she knows that we would have respected any request of confidentiality. And lastly, to be informed of her marriage via a pre-printed postcard is, in our opinion, simply inexcusable.
Up to this point, we have always been very supportive of her life decisions and felt that our communication with her has been very good. Now we don’t know what to think.
Are we right to feel upset and very hurt? We feel that our daughter should have been willing to admit that the whole incident should have been handled quite differently. What do you think? — Feeling Left Out
Dear Left Out: Of course you are hurt and feel upset. But the tone of your letter makes it sound as if you would like to put your daughter on trial and have her admit to the jury that she handled her elopement all wrong. Isn’t that what elopement is? To run away and get married in secret?
It is understandable that you are disappointed by the way your daughter handled her wedding, but try to look at it from a different perspective. Maybe she really is so happy because she has married the love of her life. Maybe they wanted to start a family sooner rather than later and didn’t want to wait for a wedding. Whatever the reason, the reality is that the marriage is between your daughter and her husband, so they are allowed to do it their way, as the Frank Sinatra song says.
Instead of focusing on your hurt feelings, try to focus on the upcoming wedding party and the newest member of your family — your son-in-law — as he renews his vows with your daughter. In the end, it is not always about the big fancy wedding — and there have been plenty of those that resulted in unhappy marriages. It is about the love that the couple feels for each other and the support they receive from their loved ones.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to [email protected]
