Dear Annie: I read with great interest the letter written by “Nostalgic and Regretful,” who was wondering what could have been with her high school boyfriend 47 years ago. I have a similar story, along with similar guilt, but for different reasons.
Twenty-eight years ago, I was engaged to my first love. Being young and insecure, I thought we were “having problems” one week, and as she was not being as friendly as my dumb self expected, I thought she was about to break up with me and did the deed before she could. We didn’t see or speak to each other again for nearly three decades, and it was all my fault.
This story does have a happy ending. After each of us had been married and divorced — twice — we reconnected and are engaged once again. We are planning our wedding for next January.
But I hold so much guilt. There are things that happened in her life that simply would not have, had I not acted so poorly all those years ago. She’s told me not to think that way, but it’s difficult not to. I guess I wanted to send “Nostalgic” a word of understanding, and at the same time agree with you, Annie, and encourage her not to beat herself up. — Same Boat
Dear Same Boat: Within your story is a valuable lesson that it sounds like you’ve learned: Instead of allowing your fears to sabotage your relationship, address them with your partner. You lost out on 28 years with this woman because your insecurities took over.
That said, your story is a special and serendipitous one. The fact that you made it back to each other after two marriages and nearly three decades is the stuff that romance novels are written about. Be grateful for that.
Dear Annie: Lots of folks had a hard time with the 2020 presidential election. I look at it like this: You vote, but sometimes, your person doesn’t win. That’s OK; it’s just the way life goes. However, my sister doesn’t have such a relaxed position on it.
I had to listen to her rant and rave for four years, never getting my opinion in because her rants were so crazy that I just had to redirect the conversation to her grandchild. So, after the election, she was still upset and started her typical rant. I couldn’t take it anymore. I told her who I voted for, and there was an awkward silence. Then she said, “I guess I’ll have to try and forgive you.” I told her that would NEVER be necessary.
We all have the right to vote, no forgiveness needed. She ended up hanging up in my face. I haven’t spoken to her since. It’s been almost a year now. I don’t miss her. We were never particularly close, as she moved thousands of miles away from our family when I was a teenager (I’m in my 50s now). She’s a VERY negative person in general, and I’m the total opposite. Am I a horrible person for not wanting to reconcile? — Irreconcilable Sisters
Dear Irreconcilable Sister: You are right to want to distance yourself from this kind of negativity. Family or not, any interaction like what you’ve described is exhausting and unproductive. Focus on the fruitful, nontoxic relationships you have in your life. Surely, you have many that bring you more than just headaches. And hopefully, your sister will come around one day and realize there’s far more to sisterhood — and life — than winning.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to [email protected]
