DR. WALLACE: I’m a 17-year-old girl and I’ve been dating guys for the past year or so. I’ve had a variety of experiences in my brief dating life, ranging from a handful of guys that I went out with only once or twice to three guys that I’ve dated for anywhere from five weeks to three months.
My mother has made a lot of comments to me each and every time I’ve gone out with a different date, and she’s quite opinionated. The funny thing is that her opinions are usually way off the mark. My mom is good friends with a group of other ladies who have children also at my high school. This group of mothers talks amongst themselves about the dating lives of their kids. This is where I think my mom gets her crazy and off-base opinions.
Recently, I’ve been dating a new guy and for the first couple of weeks we’ve gotten along pretty well. He’s pretty quiet and has kind of a shy personality but he’s a really good guy underneath it all. He’s just the type of individual that does not engage others in flowing conversations. However, he’s a solid guy with good ethics and he treats me very well.
Once I had my third date with this guy, my mother asked me how my date went and when I told her it was great, she said, “I don’t understand why you would date such a moody guy. You’re such a cheerful girl; it doesn’t make any sense to me.” I was shocked by what she said, but I didn’t want to start an argument, so I simply shrugged my shoulders and went to my room.
Now that I’ve had more time to think about it, I would like to find a way to tell my mom that she doesn’t know what she’s talking about. Do you have any suggestions about how I can get her to stop prejudging everybody I meet? — A Cheerful Girl, via email
A CHEERFUL GIRL: You can start by telling your mother that you would never prejudge her friends or her coworkers based on anything you might have heard at your school.
Suggest that your mother ask you directly about individuals you socialize with, rather than gathering all of her intel from the other mothers at your school. Let your mom know that you’ll be open and honest with her and that you would truly appreciate it if she would go directly to you as the source of information regarding your dating life, rather than letting other individuals, who are obviously out of the loop, fill in the blanks for her.
Then after you’ve made this general statement, sit down with your mom and tell her why you find this new guy so interesting and attractive. Explain to her that he’s generally quiet by nature but that he has a wonderful, dynamic personality and that you find his integrity very attractive. Conclude by telling her that he treats you very well and give her examples of why you feel this way. Give your mom a big hug, look her right in the eyes and tell her that you’ll always give her the straight story and to please not prejudge any of your friends based solely upon neighborhood gossip. I trust if you do this, you’ll get your point across quite effectively.
RELATIONSHIP EVAPORATES ON VACATION
DR. WALLACE: Our family just celebrated the freedom we have to travel around again by going for a two-week vacation to Hawaii, and I can tell you that each member of our family of six enjoyed themselves.
I’m 17 and before we left, I told my boyfriend of six months that I would text him every day while I was away, which I did. He did reply to my texts, but I noticed that his replies were kind of brief and he never asked me for any photographs or updates about what I was doing or where our family was traveling in the Hawaiian Islands.
Once I got home, I was shocked that my boyfriend came up to me at school and told me he had met another girl at a social event during the two weeks I was on vacation. I of course felt shocked and hurt, but I simply decided to forget about him right then and there. I never called him again, and I didn’t send him another text or email either.
Well, about a month went by and then all the sudden I started receiving a flurry of text messages from him, asking me to take him back and telling me what a big mistake he had made.
It’s true that I am not steadily dating any other guys right now, but deep down I’m not really sure I can trust this guy going forward. We did get along pretty well, and he’s quite handsome and athletic, so he made me look good socially at our school whenever we hung out together.
People often say that everyone deserves a second chance, but in this instance I’m not really sure if it applies. What do you think? — Vacation Ended My Relationship, via email
VACATION ENDED MY RELATIONSHIP: In matters of the heart, it’s often wise to follow your gut instincts. You mentioned right here in your letter that you don’t know that you can trust him anymore going forward, and it’s likely that you have a good reason for doubting him. You might consciously or even subconsciously have a reason for feeling this way, but in any event the feeling is strong enough to give you pause.
There’s no reason you need to rush right back to seeing him socially right now anyway. Perhaps continue to take time for yourself and to consider dating other guys in the meantime. Over time you will either forget about him entirely or realize that you do have strong feelings toward him. If you take a substantial cooling-off period and you do have feelings for him in the long run, you’ll have the additional benefit of having been able to keep an eye on how he has conducted himself in the meantime. This gives you an opportunity to think carefully about whether to consider reengaging with him, if that even seems plausible to you a few months from now.
Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. Email him at [email protected] To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
