DR. WALLACE: I just turned 16 at the beginning of this past summer and my parents finally have allowed me to date, but with some restrictions of course. I have a tight curfew and there are rules about how often I can date per week, where I can go and even how often I need to check in with them when I’m out on a date.
All of this is fine, and I’ve met some nice boys, but I’d say there are none yet that I’m really interested in. I kind of view this first set of guys that I’ve dated so far as friends. And this has got me thinking, because I do have one special male friend I’ve had for eight years now, going back to elementary school.
He’s always been my platonic best friend even though I’m a girl and he’s a boy. We’ve hung out together for years, we play sports together and our families know each other well. We even have often studied together over the years as we moved on to middle school and even high school where the homework became more challenging to complete. So basically, now I’m thinking that I would like to at least go out on one or two dates with my guy friend, just to see how we would do together. I already like him a lot and I trust him completely. He’s fun, funny, handsome and smart too. We always laugh so much about so many things that we talk about.
What do you think? Would I risk losing my best friend if I asked him out on a date? And is it even OK for a girl to ask a boy out on a date? I get really nervous about all of this when I think and consider what might or might not happen if I do move ahead with this idea. But since I already think of the guys I’ve dated so far as just friends, why not date my very best friend? — Nervous Best Friend, via email
NERVOUS BEST FRIEND: First, it is absolutely fine for a girl to ask a boy out on a date! Anyone can ask anyone to spend some social time together, so start by putting your mind at ease regarding that concern.
Next, if you wish to spend social time with him that you might consider to be a date, you can try to arrange something — but at the same time, don’t specifically call it a date! Just ask him, for example, if he’d like to go see a movie that you’ve always wanted to see. Or if there is a music performance or sports event one evening that you feel he would enjoy seeing, you could casually ask him to go with you. Of course, you can dress up just as you would when you normally go on a date and at some point, he’ll likely catch on that you’re open to him potentially becoming a bit more than just a platonic best friend. Keeping it casual at first will help calm your nerves over this and make it easier for you to move ahead.
And no matter what happens on a possible dating path, do keep being the great friend to him that you’ve always been. Timing has a lot to do with dating success and the formation of relationships. The age of 16 might be fine now for the two of you, or there could be a future date and time that might work out better. Keep your friendship strong now no matter what, and you’ll have a great friend at the very least as you grow into young adults over the next several years.
HIS BACKGROUND IS A BLANK SLATE
DR. WALLACE: I’ve been dating a great guy for a year and a half now, and we are planning to get married. He has a good job, he treats me very well and he has only a few friends, but they are loyal friends who all seem nice. I’ve met these friends and spent a lot of time with them during outings we’ve enjoyed together, like barbecues and holiday celebrations at our local park.
My fiance has long ago met my entire family, starting with my parents of course. My mom and dad find him to be nice, friendly, reliable and intelligent. They like his career and how hard he studied to learn his trade. They also see that we are obviously in love with each other, and this is quite true. We get along fabulously.
My siblings, aunts and uncles and even other family friends all like and approve of me getting married to this man, so I’m basically all set on my side of the family when it comes to planning our wedding.
However, I do have one issue that seems to be increasingly bothering me. My guy has never taken me to meet a single relative of his! Yes, I know a few of his friends and co-workers, but as far as his blood relatives go, I have yet to meet or even see a single one!
I’ve brought this up a few times to him lately and he always says the same thing, which is, “I don’t want to talk about my family.” This is obviously a sore point with him, and it leaves me wondering what in the world happened to him and to his family. And there is one more issue that may be no big deal, but he again does not want to talk about it. When I bring up his heritage, meaning in terms of nationality, he also does not want to talk about that either. I have no idea where on earth his relatives come from and what race or nationality he is. This does not matter much to me, but it does have me curious. If we were to have children someday, there might be discussions about what their heritage is, and of course I could then only speak for my side of the family unless my future husband ever decides to open up on his background and his family roots. Do you feel any of this matters at all? — Just Curious, Not Worried, via email
JUST CURIOUS, NOT WORRIED: I see two issues here and they are in conflict, but as you stated, it does not need to be a big deal. The first issue is that you love each other, and he has been a great friend and partner to you for the past year and a half, and hopefully will remain so for your entire life as well.
On the other hand, open communication is very important to a successful marriage, and secrets, depending on what they are, can threaten the harmony of a relationship.
In your case, the issues he does want to address likely are not dealbreakers, but unless he gives you even a brief, general answer, you’ll always be wondering about this issue in the back of your mind.
Perhaps you could find an appropriate time to speak to him one on one about your desire to have at least just a general answer, even if he does not want to go into any further details. For example, if he was adopted, or never knew his parents, that would tell you a lot without him having to go into the specifics surrounding his upbringing. His past might be hurtful, or he could feel shame for some reason. I know you would not want to hurt him by probing too deeply, but at the same time if he could just give you a general answer for now, that might give you much more comfort. Tell him in advance that you would never think less of him nor be judgmental towards him no matter what.
This issue is one that only you can answer for yourself as to its overall importance. Not knowing anything might lead you to speculate over the years ahead, but knowing even a basic, generic answer might greatly ease your mind. Have an open discussion with him but don’t push too hard. In time he may someday open up further to you.
Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. Email him at [email protected] To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
