DR. WALLACE: While I love my boyfriend deeply, I truly do not like 90% of his friend group. I have met most of them several times before, and while they are well-intentioned and nice for the most part, their immaturity and sense of humor tends to drive me crazy.
I don’t understand why my boyfriend chooses to spend time with these guys, as I think they are very different from him. I get that he is attached to many of them because they have been friends since childhood, but isn’t it time for him to move on and find a new group of much more mature friends? — Not a Fan, via email
NOT A FAN: While you have the right to your opinion about your boyfriend’s friends, ultimately your boyfriend gets to decide who will be in his life. Attempting to control whom he socializes with will only create conflict and resentment in your relationship.
Nevertheless, while you cannot control your boyfriend’s decisions, you can control your own. Apart from special occasions that may require you to be present, you can choose to not spend time with your boyfriend’s friends. I would encourage you to have a polite, honest conversation with your boyfriend about how you feel about his friends. Tell him that their immaturity tends to bother you, and that it’s not something that you feel comfortable being around. Don’t, however, act as though you are somehow better than your boyfriend or his friends, or put them down in a way that seems offensive or degrading. Simply state your position in a gentle manner so that your boyfriend knows how you feel and is aware that you may opt out of future get-togethers that involve his friends.
Your boyfriend should respect your choice to not voluntarily socialize with his friends, but you should not expect him to end his friendships. If you choose to distance yourself from your boyfriend’s friends, in turn, you must be OK with him spending time with them on his own. Having time apart can be healthy and restorative for your relationship, and it is perfectly fine for you and your boyfriend to have different friend groups. Prioritize whatever is in each other’s best interest, and your relationship will quite likely continue to thrive as a result.
WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE WAYS TO FILL DOWNTIME?
DR. WALLACE: I find myself occasionally stuck waiting for transportation or for a meeting to start. Therefore, I have these chunks of free time to fill, often when I am away from home and my home office.
So, I thought that I would ask you about what things you enjoy doing when you have time to fill when you are alone. — Have Time To Fill, via email
HAVE TIME TO FILL: I truly enjoy reading, so I usually carry reading material with me in case I find I have downtime to fill. Also, depending on the location I’m in, I may enjoy the solitude of walking or taking a light hike alone.
I have friends and family members that enjoy crossword puzzles, sudoku and even playing games on their smartphone, so those are a few more ideas.
I also always keep a notepad with me so that I can write down observations that I find noteworthy for future column answers. Most questions lend themselves to commonsense answers, and observing others going about their lives in real time right in front of us is always highly educational in one form or another.
Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. Email him at [email protected] To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
