DR. WALLACE: I’m 19 and a nice-looking young lady. I work in a professional office. About a month ago, we finally returned to our physical offices. I had been working remotely for the past year or so before that.
Well, now that my co-workers are back in the office, too, we are all in the process of getting caught up with one another. One guy I don’t know too well, but who is married, seemed to make a beeline straight toward me once we were all back working together in person. He’s been respectful, and he has not asked me out, but he did say that he wanted to introduce me to a friend of his who he felt might be a great match for me.
I sort of reluctantly agreed to meet his friend, who turned out to be a nice person after all. So, I’ve dated this guy casually for a few months now. Recently, I’ve gotten a funny vibe from him. He’s kind of evasive about basic things and he’s never invited me over to his place. In fact, I don’t even know where he lives. The final clue I noticed is that after a long holiday weekend, it appeared he had a faint tan line on his ring finger! It made me think he might be married! I’m afraid to ask him directly, so I was thinking about asking the co-worker of mine who set us up in the first place.
But after thinking about it, I don’t want to get into any discussion with my co-worker that could evolve into office drama. I’m a quiet, steady worker who keeps her head down and gets a lot of work done. I’m highly respected by the whole office and I’d like to keep it that way.
What can I do about my suspicions? — Suspicious he’s married, via email
SUSPICIOUS HE’S MARRIED: At your very next opportunity in person, ask the man you’ve been dating directly if he’s married. Ask it calmly, almost matter-of-factly, and look him directly in the eyes as you do so.
His answer will be insightful and revealing rather quickly either way. Listen to words but pay close attention to his tone, his delivery and his body language. If he’s lying to you, it may be readily apparent as you observe his reply.
Ask him if he lives alone or with roommates since even if he’s not married, he could be living with a significant other.
Hopefully you’ll get an honest answer either way. Or perhaps you’ll get the line about him being separated from his wife so he felt it was no big deal. Your focus should be to get the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
If he is married — even separated but still married — I advise you take a break from dating this man. Beginning a relationship with you by practicing deception is not a good sign from him at all.
And if you do end up needing to speak to your co-worker who made the introduction, I suggest that you do this at lunch, away from the office or at least in the parking lot, where you can speak privately. Ask him directly for the facts regarding his friend’s situation. If deception is involved, walk away from both of them going forward. Be polite with your co-worker in the office but avoid any and all conversations beyond those specifically related to your respective jobs at your company.
A CHEERLEADER CHANGED MY FRIEND
DR. WALLACE: I’m 15 and 1/2. My best friend of the same age is dating an older girl at our high school who is a cheerleader. She just turned 17, so she’s a year and a half older than both of us guys.
My friend and I have always been good, responsible students who get along with everyone and who’ve stayed out of trouble our whole lives.
But recently, he tells me stories about drinking alcohol with this cheerleader and also smoking pot with her and her friends. I was shocked to hear this at first, but now he tells me stories like this two or three times per month.
He and I don’t do any of these when we hang out together, and in fact, neither one of us ever have before he met this girl.
I don’t want to lecture him about this, but I’m not happy about it either. Is there anything I can do? Do I need to get a new friend? — Surprised by my friend, via email
SURPRISED BY MY FRIEND: Remind your friend that his behavior is illegal at his age. Encourage him to stop consuming these substances, and even ask him to try to “give them a pass” the next time he sees this cheerleader to check what her reaction to him will be. If she truly likes him and cares for him, she won’t be bothered if he elects not to partake any further in the future.
He may or may not take your advice, so do what you can to remind him without being overbearing. Try to remain in contact with him so that he can always come back to you to discuss things. But this may be a good time for you to spend a portion of your social time elsewhere. Let him know that you’ll be there for him if wants to make changes, but that you also wish to spend time with other friends who currently have more in common with you than he does.
Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. Email him at [email protected] To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
