DR. WALLACE: I’m 19 now and had a good boyfriend for a full year, but it ended a year ago. He and I got along great for this full year until the girl who dumped him before he started dating me became single again!
You guessed it; he dropped me to date her again. I really liked him, so it was my loss for sure. He treated me well, was always a gentleman and he has a good personality and is kind to everyone. I was really surprised when he apologized to me and told me he had “unfinished business” with his ex and that he needed to spend time with her again.
So, I’ve dated other guys here and there since then. Nothing has been too long term, as the guys have all been just all right in my book, but nothing special. Well, last week I heard through the grapevine that his “girlfriend” moved out of state to attend some fancy college but that he had decided to stay here in our area and attend our solid local college, one with a good reputation but not a big national name. I also attend this college right now.
Anyhow, he called me yesterday and apologized to me for ever going back to her. He seemed pretty sincere, and he wants to buy me lunch next Saturday to talk to me.
Half of my girlfriends want me to be mean to him and tell him to get lost. The other half think I should “hear him out.” What do you think I should do and why? — He Broke My Heart Once Already, via email
HE BROKE MY HEART ONCE ALREADY: Of course, this is entirely your call, even though it’s nice to have close friends who wish to advise you either way. The key for my advice is twofold. First, let’s look at the past. You mentioned that the two of you were together for a full year and that the relationship was successful during that time.
You mentioned his good qualities, the way he treated you well and the fact that although you’ve had reasonable dates since then, nothing to date has been all that great. It appears to me that his only poor mark (and yes, it’s a big one) is that he told you he had unfinished business with her and that he indeed exited your relationship at that time. He at least told you this upfront instead of seeing her behind your back. It’s a small difference, but one that could be quite important.
Now let’s look at the present. The girlfriends you have who advise you to tell him to get lost are trying to appeal to your sense of satisfaction and/or revenge to make him feel remorse just like you originally did back then. But a short-term sense of satisfaction in telling him off now will be fleeting and likely final between the two of you.
Think carefully about how you feel about him. Can you trust him again? Does he truly realize he made a big mistake? Having lunch does not commit you to anything further at all. But since you each once cared deeply for each other, and the only flaw was his less-than-graceful exit a year ago, perhaps you might be willing to slowly evaluate your current level of trust in him. If you do see him beyond lunch, I’d be sure to look him directly in the eyes and tell him his “mulligan” has been 100% used up and that any future wavering would be met with your immediate exit. Then mean exactly this and go so far as to ask him to imagine a situation of the exact same nature, but reversed, as if you were the one to have left him a year ago to deal with “unfinished business.”
If you can feel comfortable enough to move ahead in this manner, I’d come down on the side of advising you to proceed cautiously and see how you feel over a week or two. Remember, you can always exit at the drop of a hat for any reason at all. But just in case the two of you might somehow move past this matter and meld once again, I feel you deserve the chance to see what transpires if you have the stomach to proceed carefully from here.
Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. Email him at [email protected] To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
