Dear Annie: My soon-to-be ex-wife and I were married for almost five years. When we decided to have kids, we also agreed that she would quit her job and become a full-time stay-at-home mom. I would support her and the kids 100%.
We are now currently separated (not because of infidelity of any kind), and we both decided that we are going to keep the financial situation the exact same. After paying her bills, groceries and other monthly expenses, it does not leave me a whole lot to work with. But I still absolutely want to support my family, which in my mind still includes her. My living situation is stable (living with a friend), and I still have enough for my own daily expenses. The one thing in our whole relationship we never fought about was money, period.
I was really apprehensive about telling anybody in my family about my situation, as I felt they would completely judge and not understand. Against my better judgment, I told my twin and his girlfriend about the situation. I thought at least my twin would understand and accept the fact that I have a responsibility to take care of my family. My ex and I are getting along better than ever; my kids are very well taken care of; and I have the things I need, too.
My family who once considered my ex a sister has now shunned her. They’re making me feel like I’m doing something wrong when all I want to do is be the best dad I can. Supporting my family is my No. 1 priority!
How can I tell the rest of my family about my situation so they can understand what I am doing? In my mind, it’s just easier left unsaid. Please help! — Secretly Separated
Dear Secretly Separated: First things first, I’m assuming the money you are giving to your wife exceeds whatever alimony payments you may or may not owe. If you haven’t already, you should consult a divorce attorney to figure out what that arrangement might look like. It’s important that you create a plan that supports your family’s financial needs, especially when there are kids involved.
Next, I would ask yourself why it’s important to you to financially support 100% of your wife’s lifestyle. Will this arrangement continue indefinitely? What if she remarries? What if you remarry? Are you hoping to get back together with her?
In addition to seeking the guidance of an attorney, I would seek the help of a couples therapist to help the two of you figure out what type of relationship you want going forward and create a long-term plan that you, your ex-wife and your children are all comfortable with. Once you have a clear understanding of why you’re doing what you’re doing, you can explain it to your twin, his girlfriend and your other family members. They don’t need to understand or even approve; they just need to accept your choice.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to [email protected]
