Dear Annie: Some years ago, I went to a nearby office supply shop, where I saw a local couple looking around. The woman, a local musician, had Alzheimer’s, but she seemed to recognize me, so we began a conversation. I don’t recall what it was about, but it was the silliest, most illogical and the most fun conversation I’ve ever had with anyone. I just went along with whatever she said, never trying to force reality onto her and augmenting whatever her ideas were when I could.
Meanwhile, her husband seemed to be mortified beyond embarrassment.
I later left the shop, having purchased what I needed, and I felt so happy at connecting with this woman, as ridiculous as the conversation had been.
I think it is not good to try to convince such people about what “now” is like. In a way, that is reminding them that they are not well; this will make them feel badly and feed their depression. It is better to greet them “where they are” and find a way to spread some cheer in that. — Going With the Flow
Dear Going With the Flow: As Maya Angelou famously said: “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” Thank you for your insightful story.
Dear Annie: Nearly 13 years ago, my husband and I lost our 12-year-old son to a severe asthma attack. Since then, I have encountered numerous instances where I meet new people and am asked how many children we have. I have tried a couple of different ways to answer, but it always seems to be incredibly awkward either way.
On occasion, I have simply said that we have a daughter, but then I feel unbelievably guilty for not including my son. So, then I try telling them that I have two children but one of them passed away, which usually makes the person feel bad for either not knowing or for having brought it up.
I don’t want anyone to feel bad about asking, because he is part of me every day, whether someone asks or not, but I also don’t want to exclude him because he is, after all, still my son. Can you help me construct an appropriate response that won’t leave either me or the inquirer feeling guilty? — Seeking Tactful Reply
Dear Tactful Reply: I am so sorry for your loss. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. Answer anyone who asks you how many children you have in exactly the way that would make you feel most comfortable. If you don’t want to tell the story of your son to someone, then don’t, and if you do want to tell them, then tell them.
You have suffered enough, and you don’t need to place anyone else’s guilt or discomfort above your own feelings. That is their problem. The only thing to do is exactly what feels right for you and your family in that moment, and don’t worry about what anyone else thinks or feels.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to [email protected]
