First things first. Santa exists, and his reindeer say hello. Well, except Blitzen. Blitzen is missing again, because Blitzen “likes to have a good time.”
Are the children still there? Are they looking over your shoulder with podcasting equipment, trying to unfurl a secret? That’s what my colleagues say happens when they write about Santa Claus, WHO IS NOT FAKE AT ALL. Children, who rarely consume news, become global citizens the moment a piece about THE TRUE EXISTENCE OF SANTA CLAUS APPEARS. Then the journalists get lots of, uh, friendly holiday correspondence.
Santa is a fact supported by scientific study! Okay, please tell the kids to go away. They will be fine, just give them a screen. It’s time to talk about what to get them for the holidays.
Current shopping conditions require a Faustian bargain. If you have not ordered presents by now, or exchanged part of your soul, you might be in trouble.
High-tech stuff is still cool. Tamagotchis — those tiny electronic pets that die if you neglect them and brought down childbirth numbers among millennials — are back. Or consider the Star Wars Galactic Snackin’ Grogu, a Baby Yoda who eats but does not require around-the-clock care. Better! Closer! Warmer!
But the toy scene has a different vibe in this 100th year of our pandemic. Kaleidoscopes and puzzles are making hot toy lists. An analyst from the retail research firm NPD Group has predicted a desire for “toys with a strong focus on sharing and playing, as well as toys with a hint of nostalgia and sustainability.”
Even children want to go back to simpler times. They have spent one too many days in school asking each other who their parents voted for. They just need to be kids, and that means eating dirt and stuff.
If (oh, geez, they’re back) SANTA is stumped by the elfin supply chain, consider colonial toys such as marbles, hoops, a length of rope, haunted dolls and that wooden ball-in-cup game. They provide hours of joy but also send a message, and that message is, “have your fun at 4 a.m., because soon it is time to harvest the peas.”
Speaking of crops, a potato is a timeless present. It’s a pocket warmer! It’s a baseball in a pinch! It’s a great way to injure your brother! When little Felix asks why Santa brought a spud, act like you can’t believe he hasn’t heard of the potato trend.
Kids hate getting clothes, but have you seen how they’re dressing lately? Young people are wearing pleated mom jeans and embroidered teacher shirts. They are wearing Dr. Martens, slouch socks, claw clips, tiny sunglasses and pieces of Arby’s uniforms circa 1996. They are dressing like the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Just go into the depths of your closet and wrap everything up, I am telling you.
Board games are fun, but why not introduce children to mind games? No, no, it’s fine. They have to learn sometime.
Tell them Santa left gifts in a hidden location, and they must answer a series of questions, create a map on the back of an old scroll and organize a team of explorers, each with different talents, but all inevitably expendable. This will give you — er, Santa — the time to get holiday gifts by February.
Stephanie Hayes is a columnist at the Tampa Bay Times in Florida. Follow her at @stephhayeswrites on Facebook, @stephhayes on Twitter or @stephrhayes on Instagram.
